1. A goal without a plan is just a wish. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
2. Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. Terry Pratchet
3. Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends. Francis Bacon
4. It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. Voltaire
5. It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. Darrin Weinberg
6. The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits. Albert Einstein
7. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. Will Rogers
8. “Americans have different ways of saying things. They say “elevator”, we say “lift” … they say “President”, we say “stupid psychopathic git.” Alexei Sayle
9. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin
10. A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials. Ronald Knox
11. A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch. James Beard
12. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw
13. A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. Spike Milligan
14. All generalizations are false, including this one. Mark Twain
15. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. Oscar Wilde
16. Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. Yogi Berra
17. An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from but not enough to lend to. Ambrose Bierce
18. An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup. Bertrand Russell
19. As God once said, and I think rightly… Margaret Thatcher
20. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. (2) Advising the President. (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. David Letterman
21. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde
22. But there is in everything a reasonable division of labour. I have written the book, and nothing on earth would induce me to read it. G.K. Chesterton
23. Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. H.L. Mencken
24. Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. Sue Murphy
25. Don’t look at me in that tone of voice. Dorothy Parker
26. Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. Albert Einstein
27. Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you’ve had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury. Sophie Kinsella
28. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald. Navjot Singh Sidhu
29. For every problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. H.L. Mencken
30. Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you’re a consultant. Scott Adams
31. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday
32. Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? Dave Barry
33. Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. W.C. Fields
34. I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. Winston Churchil
35. I don’t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking. Katherine Cebrian
36. I don’t know why it should be, I am sure; but the sight of another man asleep in bed when I am up, maddens me. Jerome K. Jerome
37. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me. Hunter S. Thompson
38. I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t know what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose. P.G. Wodehouse
39. I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train. Oscar Wilde
40. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. Douglas Adams
41. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. George Carlin
42. I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. Spike Milligan
43. I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know. Mark Twain
44. I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. Dorothy Parker
45. I’m not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it’s Shakespeare who says that it’s always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping. P.G. Wodehouse
46. I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. Mark Twain
47. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln
48. If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me. Alice Roosevelt Longworth
49. If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes. Chuck Palahniuk
50. If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat. Douglas Adams
51. Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. Francis Bacon
52. In politics, stupidity is not a handicap. Napoleon Bonaparte
53. In the begining there was nothing and God said ‘Let there be light’, and there was still nothing but everybody could see it. Dave Thomas
54. In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is. Yogi Berra
55. In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. Benjamin Franklin
56. Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. Robert A. Heinlein
57. No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. Abraham Lincoln
58. Nobody comes here anymore, its too crowded. Yogi Berra
59. Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. Winston Churchil
60. Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. Drew Carey
61. Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. H.L. Mencken
62. Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. Groucho Marx
63. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Will Rogers
64. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov
65. Picasso is a painter, so am I; Picasso is Spanish, so am I; Picasso is a communist, neither am I. Salvador Dali
66. Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts. Jim Morrison
67. Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that’s both is dental. Ogden Nash
68. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. Jerry Seinfeld
69. Sometimes you’re the windshield; sometimes you’re the bug. Mark Knopfler
70. Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. W.C. Fields
71. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. Winston Churchil
72. The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it. Criss Jami
73. The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks. Terry Pratchett
74. The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. Mark Twain
75. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. Calvin Trillin
76. The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other guy die for his. George S. Patton Jr.
77. The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure. George Bernard Shaw
78. The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is a disaster area. Never in the field of human history has so much been used by so many to say so little. Banksy
79. The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest. Kurt Vonnegut
80. The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you. Bette Midler
81. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. Oscar Levant
82. Two things that matter to me. Emotional resonance and rocket launchers. Joss Whedon
83. When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry
84. When you come to a fork in the road, take it! Yogi Berra
85. When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. Groucho Marx
86. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. L. Frank Baum
87. You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. Al Capone
88. You can observe a lot by just watching. Yogi Berra
89. You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. Mae West
90. “I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and–regardless of their political or cultural differences–accuse each other of cheating. Dave Barry
91. “Normal” is just a setting on your dryer. Patsy Clairmont
92. “Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit? David Sedaris
93. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Mark Twain
94. A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. B.L. Taylor
95. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Emo Philips
96. A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey. Banksy
97. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner
98. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead
99. As my father always used to tell me, ‘You see, son, there’s always someone in the world worse off than you.’ And I always used to think, ‘So?’ Bill Bryson
100. Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators. Stephen Fry
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